The Test in Testimony

I started writing this a few months ago. At the time, I didn’t plan on anyone actually reading it - but here we are.

I didn’t think I had a testimony. I thought that because I hadn’t gone through and survived some big test, I didn’t really have a story worth telling. 

I grew up in church. I was baptized as a child. I attended church throughout my teenage and college years.  

Then I got busy.  

I graduated from college and started working full time.  

I got slack.  

I got married, had twins and became a stay-at-home mom.  

I got tired.  

I never made a conscious effort to stray from God. It just happened. I stopped going to church because “I was too tired” or “I was too busy.” (I could insert a thousand excuses here. But that’s what they would be, excuses.) 

Life went on. 

I went to church periodically but never made it a priority. I tried filling the voids in my life with earthly things. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well.  

I battled anxiety and depression. I felt so ashamed for feeling unhappy. I looked at my life thinking, “I have everything I’ve ever wanted, so why am I so sad?” My doctor prescribed Prozac to make me feel better; and maybe the medicine helped block some sensors in my brain, but it didn’t fix my heart.  

Then a few months ago, I went to the funeral of a close family friend. He was a godly man. He raised godly children and godly grandchildren. In his later years, he went to church and sang his heart out, even when he could barely stand up straight. At his funeral, the pastor talked about the effort that this man had put in to show up for church every Sunday. He talked about how people could look at this man and see that he loved God. The pastor asked if people could look at us and know that we loved God. 

Did people look at me and know that I loved God? I knew the answer was no. Maybe they looked at me and saw a loving wife or a caring mom or a kind friend – but they didn’t see a godly woman.  

In that moment, a switch flipped in my heart.  

I felt God calling me back to Him. I wanted to change. I needed to change. But where was I supposed to start? 

The Bible says we’re to love God with all of our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. Honestly, that felt so overwhelming. I felt like my heart had changed. I wanted more of God for the first time in my adult life. But how was I supposed to get my mind to wrap around all the changes that my heart wanted me to make? 

I started going to church, not because I thought I should, but because I wanted to be there. I wanted to be closer to God. I wanted to be surrounded by people who would pour into my cup.  

I started listening to worship music in my house and in my car. 

I started reading books on how to grow in my relationship with God.  

I started reading my Bible – not to find out what God could do for me, but to find out what I could do for God. 

Have you heard the song “Sinners and Saints”? You should listen to it. She sings, “Do you feel you’ve wandered further than His grace? Jesus is reaching out His hand.” Wow. How lucky are we to serve a God who never gives up on us? 

After all the years that I had been wandering, after all the things that I had done wrong, God was still there, and He still wanted me.  

So, all of that to say: I do have a testimony, not because of some giant thing that happened to me once, but because of all the little things that led me to where I am right now.  

I can’t change the years that I wasted, but I can use the time I have left to let Him use me in whatever way He sees fit.  

I hope I can make Him proud. 

To be continued… 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA3sJVyDPy4&list=RDfA3sJVyDPy4&start_radio=1